Escape to the Farm?

(Q)

I am seriously considering selling everything and moving to TN to start a farm. Most everyone thinks that is crazy, except my wife of course. When you left everything to have a life on the road how hard was it for you to just walk away and start something completely new and unknown? Would you have any advice for someone who is wanting to do the same kind of thing. I have always looked up to you and was very envious of you for living your dream for real and not letting it just sit on a shelf.

(A)

I like the way your thinking. But would like more details. Keep in mind when we hit the road there was just the 2 of us (no kids) and for a year, we were on the road. Not just one move to a new place. We listened to friend’s ideas prayed & felt good about what we were doing. The adventure you remember was in fact our second, the first was moving to San Diego. I think that was a lot more stressful than hitting the road. We went from a owning a 10 room house with income apartment in Thunder Bay down to 2 suitcases 4 small airline boxes. With no job & and $14K in our pocket started again.


But a farm is always a good place for children to learn life lessons. Don’t be deceived that the drug & moral issues go away they don't. They might even be greater in a small town/country. Ultimately it’s how you run your house that will give the children best chance.

What is there for work? What is there for the church, seminary, temple, etc. You need to be able to make a living not counting on the farm for anything (to be a little safer). The farm can be a money pit, maintenance, equipment, & just your own learning curve can take time & cash.

There is always risk and reward in these endeavors. Your attitudes will determine your reward. The greatest advice I could give is that you, your wife, and the Lord must be unified in this decision. Oh, there is no right or wrong, as long as the thee of you agree.

Please keep me posted and more details please.

David

Being Assertive

• “To vindicate or defend by argument or measures; to declare strongly; to lay claim to; to insist upon; to affirm; to bear evidence of.”

• “To state or express positively; to defend or maintain (one's rights, for example).”

Game theory

A Win-win; you and the other person both get what you want.

The Assertiveness Pocketbook

Enjoying your rights, expressing your feelings, asking for what you want, stating your views - with integrity, honesty, directness, respect for others.

There are many different views on what assertiveness is. But what matters for this course is the definition that is relevant to you and your circumstances.

Questions

Print this page and complete the follow questions in order (the same question is deliberately repeated as this is an iterative process):



1. What do you want to be able to do after this workshop that you could not do before?



2. What would the above behavior (your answer to question 1) give you that you that you didn't have before?



3. And what would that (your answer to question 2) give you that you didn't have before?



4. And what would that (your answer to question 3) give you that you didn't have before?



5. And what would that (your answer to question 4) give you that you didn't have before?



6. This next question is a bit harder, and you will probably need to keep thinking about it long after you have completed this course: what is the best way for you to get the above (ie your answer to question 5).



7. Finally, why is it so difficult to say "No"

Five Minutes to Emotional Wellness

Emotional Wellness doesn’t have to involve sitting in a therapist’s chair for an hour a week. There are some simple things you can do to support your Emotional Wellness in just five minutes a day:


 Journal. Even if you only have five minutes, you can journal. Simply write some quick notes about how you’re feeling and what is going on in your life. It may not seem like much, but you can use these notes later for insight and greater personal awareness.

 Read an article, listen to a podcast, or watch a video. Look for short articles, podcasts or videos on various Emotional Wellness topics such as anger management techniques, anxiety reduction, defeating depression, or overcoming fear. This information will come in handy when you least expect it, and learning more about Emotional Wellness is the first step toward greater emotional health.

 Tell a friend. If you’re having a bad day, call a friend and quickly let them know what’s going on. Sometimes simply getting the feelings out in a safe place can alleviate some of the tension. A quick conversation with a friend invariably lifts your spirits and lets you know you’re not alone.

Time Management

 Weaknesses in organisational skills and allocating priorities.
If you have difficulty getting everything done or constantly feel under pressure or on the go, you may find the following simple ideas of assistance:

Keep a diary to plan your daily activities

Set aside space in your diary for you to catch up on routine tasks which might not other get done but which you know should be done at some point

Keep some time free to relax and do leisure activities you enjoy

Make a list of the tasks you have to do, decide what their relative priority is and concentrate on getting the most important tasks done

Set aside different parts of your day or your week for specific tasks

If helpful, allocate a specific amount of time for a particular task and keep to that

Congratulate yourself or give yourself rewards if you achieve tasks that you have set yourself

If you are struggling to carry out all the tasks you feel you are supposed to do then let someone know who might be able to advise or help you, explain the difficulties and ask for their suggestions or help.

Our 7 Basic Attachments

I love these kinds of lists! They give me food for positive thoughts.

The following list is suggestive of our most important needs as individuals. Use it as a check list to see if your life is reasonably balanced and complete. You may get some ideas for self improvement, or you may simply enjoy the realization that things are actually going pretty well for you!

Food, oxygen, and the other physical supplies necessary for life


A strong sense of personal identity


At least one other person in a close, mutually supportive relationship


At least one group that accepts us as a member


One or more roles in which we feel self-respect and which we can perform with dignity

 Financial and material security (no kidding lol)

Cognitive Distortions

We all tend to think in extremes...and when traumatic events happen we think that way even more. Here are some common cognitive distortions. Take a look and see if any of them are getting in your way.

All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a damn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

From: Burns, David D., MD. 1989. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc.

45 Refocus lessons Ann Landers taught me

45 Refocus life lessons Ann Landers taught me!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch..



5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't Worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the Second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is Special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life..

28. Forgive everyone for everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come....

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Assertiveness - How to Be Assertive

Definition of Assertiveness

A person who is assertive can be described as someone who:
Expresses their views clearly and articulately without being aggressive
Stands up for their own and other people's rights in a reasonable and clear way
Allows other people a reasonable opportunity to express their opinions without allowing them to dominate a conversation
One might also add a further more subtle element to the definition of assertiveness:
Having the courage to express one's own feelings, even about difficult issues, in a way which is respectful and honest.

Understanding three different types of behaviour - Passive, Aggressive and Assertive - helps to clarify what assertiveness involves:
Three Basic Types of Behaviour

1. Passive Behaviour
Passive behaviour is a type of behaviour which is characteristic of someone seeking above all to avoid conflict. If this is a form of behaviour which you show then it is likely that whatever your own feelings you may allow others to make choices and take advantage of you.

2. Aggressive Behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is the opposite of passive behaviour. Someone who acts aggressively will express their own needs and wants freely but often without thought for the feelings of others and sometimes in a loud or intimidating manner.

3. Assertive Behaviour
As can be seen from the above definition of "Assertive", Assertive behaviour involves acting in a way which is neither Passive nor Aggressive but a happy medium between the two. If you can act assertively you will express your own needs, wants and feelings, but in a manner which is constructive and which allows others the opportunity to express their own.

Why is it Important to Be Assertive?
If you behave in a passive manner all or most of the time, then it is likely that your own needs, feelings and wants will go unmet, unfulfilled and unrecognised. On the other hand if you behave in an aggressive manner it is unlikely that you will participate in relationships which are genuinely fulfilling and involve genuine communication and respect.

In summary, it is important to try to behave assertively in order to:

Meet and express your own needs

Respect and communicate with others effectively

Engage in fulfilling relationships.

Becoming Assertive

If you are behaving in passive or aggressive ways and would like to become more assertive, what can be helpful to you is to start to identify the thought patterns that are underpinning your non-assertive behaviour and to find effective ways of challenging or overcoming them.
For example, some common thoughts or beliefs underpinning passive behaviour are:

The thought that if you express a viewpoint that the other person does not like they will become upset

The thought that if you express your own feelings and needs you may be being selfish

The thought that you don't deserve to have your needs met.

If these are thoughts with which you can identify then it is likely that you experience low self esteem and will benefit from information or coaching to help you improve your self esteem and deal with the negative thought patterns which contribute to your lack of assertiveness and your lack of confidence or self belief.

Some initial suggestions which may help you to be more assertive are:

1. Think of positive statements that you can say to yourself ("Positive Self Talk") to encourage you to take a chance and express your needs in a reasonable manner.

2. Draw up a list of what the potential advantages for you and your relationships could be if you can start being more assertive in your behaviour. Use this as a motivational tool when you are trying to muster the courage to express yourself in a more assertive way.

3. Set yourself realistic specific targets - Don't expect that you will become completely assertive overnight. Initially just set yourself one or two specific aims for what you want to communicate in a particular situation and how you might go about doing it.

4. Congratulate yourself for any successes you have in behaving a little more assertively, however small, and try to build on them.

5. Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Just do your best and seek support if appropriate.

David Bonham-Carter

Choose This Day

Choose This Day

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1911 Scout Law. Will it hold up in 2011?

The following is the Scout law, as it was taught in 1911. How does it rest on your ears in 2009?


A Scout is:

•Trustworthy. A Scout's honor is to be trusted. If he were to violate his honor by telling a lie or by cheating or by not doing exactly a given task, when trusted on his honor, he may be directed to hand over his Scout badge.

•Loyal. He is loyal to all to whom loyalty is due, his Scout leader, his home and parents and country.

•Helpful. He must be prepared at any time to save life, help injured persons, and share the home duties. He must do at least one Good Turn to somebody every day.

•Friendly. He is a friend to all and a brother to every other Scout.

•Courteous. He is polite to all, especially to women, children, old people, and the weak and helpless. He must not take pay for being helpful or courteous.

•Kind. He is a friend to animals. He will not kill nor hurt any living creature needlessly, but will strive to save and protect all harmless life.

•Obedient. He obeys his parents, Scoutmaster, patrol leader, and all other duly constituted authorities.

•Cheerful. He smiles whenever he can. His obedience to orders is prompt and cheery. He never shirks nor grumbles at hardships.

•Thrifty. He does not wantonly destroy property. He works faithfully, wastes nothing, and makes the best use of his opportunities. He saves his money so that he may pay his own way, be generous to those in need, and helpful to worthy objects. He may work for pay, but must not receive tips for courtesies or Good Turns.

•Brave. He has the courage to face danger in spite of fear and to stand up for the right against the coaxings of friends or the jeers or threats of enemies, and defeat does not down him.

•Clean. He keeps clean in body and thought; stands for clean speech, clean sport, clean habits; and travels with a clean crowd.

•Reverent. He is reverent toward God. He is faithful in his religious duties and respects the convictions of others in matters of custom and religion.

I believe that if we replaced "A Scout is" with "I must be" and we all learned it and live it the world would be a higher place. dwpatterson

The August Value: COURAGE.

Think about how powerful a value this is! We need:
courage to say "no"
courage to not follow the crowd when friends are using bad judgment.
courage to stand up for someone who is being picked on.
courage to follow our own dreams.
courage to try new things.
courage to make new friends.
courage to talk to the lonely.
What parent would not want this value for his or her children! We invite you to focus and to concentrate on the value of COURAGE throughout the month of August. Look for examples of it (or the lack of it) in everyday life, on television, and in the actual lives of you and your child. Find stories on courage — not just the big, heroic kind, but the everyday kind as well. Compliment your children for anything they do that takes even a little bit of courage. Teach them quotes like Shakespeare's, "Our doubts are traitors that make us lose the good we oft might win by failing to attempt."Or share Teddy Roosevelt's thoughts o the subject: "In the battle of life, it is not the critic who counts, not the man who points out where the brave man stumbled or where the doer of the deed could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena."

By Richard and Linda Eyre