Our 7 Basic Attachments

I love these kinds of lists! They give me food for positive thoughts.

The following list is suggestive of our most important needs as individuals. Use it as a check list to see if your life is reasonably balanced and complete. You may get some ideas for self improvement, or you may simply enjoy the realization that things are actually going pretty well for you!

Food, oxygen, and the other physical supplies necessary for life


A strong sense of personal identity


At least one other person in a close, mutually supportive relationship


At least one group that accepts us as a member


One or more roles in which we feel self-respect and which we can perform with dignity

 Financial and material security (no kidding lol)

Cognitive Distortions

We all tend to think in extremes...and when traumatic events happen we think that way even more. Here are some common cognitive distortions. Take a look and see if any of them are getting in your way.

All-or-nothing thinking: You see things in black and white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure.

Overgeneralization: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat.

Mental filter: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that discolors the entire beaker of water.

Disqualifying the positive: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. You maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences.

Jumping to conclusions: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion.

Mind reading: You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you and don't bother to check it out.

The Fortune Teller Error: You anticipate that things will turn out badly and feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact.

Magnification (catastrophizing) or minimization: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). This is also called the "binocular trick."

Emotional reasoning: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are: "I feel it, therefore it must be true."

Should statements: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment.

Labeling and mislabeling: This is an extreme form of overgeneralization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him, "He's a damn louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded.

Personalization: You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event for which, in fact, you were not primarily responsible.

From: Burns, David D., MD. 1989. The Feeling Good Handbook. New York: William Morrow and Company, Inc.

45 Refocus lessons Ann Landers taught me

45 Refocus life lessons Ann Landers taught me!

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2.. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends and parents will. Stay in touch..



5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it..

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't Worry; God never blinks.

16. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

17. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

18. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the Second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take No for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is Special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness but you.

26.. Frame every so-called disaster with these words 'In five years, will this matter?'

27. Always choose life..

28. Forgive everyone for everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Don't audit life.. Show up and make the most of it now.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood.

38. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

42. The best is yet to come....

43. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up and show up.

44. Yield.

45. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift."

Assertiveness - How to Be Assertive

Definition of Assertiveness

A person who is assertive can be described as someone who:
Expresses their views clearly and articulately without being aggressive
Stands up for their own and other people's rights in a reasonable and clear way
Allows other people a reasonable opportunity to express their opinions without allowing them to dominate a conversation
One might also add a further more subtle element to the definition of assertiveness:
Having the courage to express one's own feelings, even about difficult issues, in a way which is respectful and honest.

Understanding three different types of behaviour - Passive, Aggressive and Assertive - helps to clarify what assertiveness involves:
Three Basic Types of Behaviour

1. Passive Behaviour
Passive behaviour is a type of behaviour which is characteristic of someone seeking above all to avoid conflict. If this is a form of behaviour which you show then it is likely that whatever your own feelings you may allow others to make choices and take advantage of you.

2. Aggressive Behaviour
Aggressive behaviour is the opposite of passive behaviour. Someone who acts aggressively will express their own needs and wants freely but often without thought for the feelings of others and sometimes in a loud or intimidating manner.

3. Assertive Behaviour
As can be seen from the above definition of "Assertive", Assertive behaviour involves acting in a way which is neither Passive nor Aggressive but a happy medium between the two. If you can act assertively you will express your own needs, wants and feelings, but in a manner which is constructive and which allows others the opportunity to express their own.

Why is it Important to Be Assertive?
If you behave in a passive manner all or most of the time, then it is likely that your own needs, feelings and wants will go unmet, unfulfilled and unrecognised. On the other hand if you behave in an aggressive manner it is unlikely that you will participate in relationships which are genuinely fulfilling and involve genuine communication and respect.

In summary, it is important to try to behave assertively in order to:

Meet and express your own needs

Respect and communicate with others effectively

Engage in fulfilling relationships.

Becoming Assertive

If you are behaving in passive or aggressive ways and would like to become more assertive, what can be helpful to you is to start to identify the thought patterns that are underpinning your non-assertive behaviour and to find effective ways of challenging or overcoming them.
For example, some common thoughts or beliefs underpinning passive behaviour are:

The thought that if you express a viewpoint that the other person does not like they will become upset

The thought that if you express your own feelings and needs you may be being selfish

The thought that you don't deserve to have your needs met.

If these are thoughts with which you can identify then it is likely that you experience low self esteem and will benefit from information or coaching to help you improve your self esteem and deal with the negative thought patterns which contribute to your lack of assertiveness and your lack of confidence or self belief.

Some initial suggestions which may help you to be more assertive are:

1. Think of positive statements that you can say to yourself ("Positive Self Talk") to encourage you to take a chance and express your needs in a reasonable manner.

2. Draw up a list of what the potential advantages for you and your relationships could be if you can start being more assertive in your behaviour. Use this as a motivational tool when you are trying to muster the courage to express yourself in a more assertive way.

3. Set yourself realistic specific targets - Don't expect that you will become completely assertive overnight. Initially just set yourself one or two specific aims for what you want to communicate in a particular situation and how you might go about doing it.

4. Congratulate yourself for any successes you have in behaving a little more assertively, however small, and try to build on them.

5. Don't put pressure on yourself to be perfect. Just do your best and seek support if appropriate.

David Bonham-Carter